Killing Me Softly

He was afraid to hurt me, he says
How funny it was when I’ve already bled
When all the blood and tears have dried
And there’s nothing left except a sigh
He couldn’t look me in the eye
He was red from shame and blue from all his lies
His hazel eyes turned to glass
That shattered what I once was
He killed me with what he called love
While he stood over me and watched
How I slowly bloomed one last time
With last hopes that he could be mine.

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9/26/17

Am I stupid to hold onto you,
When you pushed me out the door,
When the room was suddenly filled,
And it was too noisy to hear,
The words I love you.

Am I crazy to think that you’re still mine,
Even when you’re walking down the aisle,
With someone who isn’t me,
And never will be.

Am I a fool to say I love you,
In more ways than one,
Even when you can’t love me,
In just one?

Where is the love,
You whispered to me every night,
When you held me close,
And promised not to let go.

Where are you now,
While I cry alone,
And feel stupid for loving you still,
When it’s clear,
You don’t love me anymore.

I’m so stupid to stand here,
Waiting for you to come home,
To where we were both happy,
And the world was ours alone.

09/11/17

The cold metal of the gun barrel
Pressed hard against my head,

The pair of eyes that held mine
Were as cold as dead,

I didn’t need to be told
What to do then,

I stood as still
As my body can,

My heart beat was frantic
Until it slowed to a halt,

No one dared to talk
For what exactly must be said?

If I close my eyes
Would it all disappear,

Or would it all
Still be here?

The only sensation
Is the cold metal on my temple,

A temple with no gods
To offer a humble prayer,

If the shooter
Dare pull the trigger,

Would I dare
Make a sound?

Or befall
Quietly on the ground?

No one seems able
To see,

The gunman behind
Me,

While he told me
Keep walking,

To the end
Of the street,

Into the dark
Alley,

Where I may die
Quietly.

Overgrown

Flowers stop blooming,
Once it has bloomed,
The rain stops pouring,
After it has poured.

You grew a garden in my heart,
You made it rain love,
You saved me from harm,
Until the thunder finally struck.

Lightning made me numb,
Raindrops made me frigid,
I can’t hear my heart’s thrum,
And the garden is now flooded.

You were my saving grace,
Then I lost my faith,
Hope buried me to my grave,
When love was too faint.

Leave me in this chaos,
Where the ground is barren,
Overgrown with vines and moss,
Where your love is poison.

6/22/17

I no longer see a wall, but a horizon so vast and elaborate that I don’t know which to look at first. Speculations are made as to which direction I should walk; the destination at the end of the road. However now is when I close my eyes, spin full circles and go where my feet take me first. 

I’m afraid to stumble on my own two feet and fall face first. I’m afraid to come home with scratches and scars that will be deemed a failure by most. Though I’ll likely be given wrong directions by bystanders who I thought knew where they were going, but was as clueless as I am. Although I’m not lost, that’s my difference to them. I was lost behind the walls, but not anymore. I’m surrounded with beings of time, who like me are full of beginning and end.

I have just won a brawl behind the dark alleyways. Though I stagger, I still walk away. I don’t look back, afraid that my conscience will call me. My wounds will soon heal, but I will always carry the fear. 

I must walk on and journey to my purpose, the reason I gave myself to spark matches and light the fire. The same fire that burns inside my chest while I soldier on. 

This journey is one I must take alone. However I cross paths with travelers on their own journey and I must be careful never to ask to come along with them. Though if anyone asks to come along mine, must I heed their request?

I’m no longer tired, but eager to arrive where the wind takes me —to where I want to be; where my roots will run deep and my stem stand tall, surrounded by time beings who have heard the same call. 

This is where I will begin my beginning and end.

The Fact of a Body: Book Review

 

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The Fact of a Body by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich

My Rating: 5 stars

Things break us, but they make us too.

The Fact of a Body had me completely undone. I related to this book more than I’ll ever dare admit. It is just so beautiful that you can feel the flurry of emotions just enveloping you wherever you are, whether you’ve gone through such a horrible thing or not. I think this book is for everyone. It gives light to what happened, what happens, and what keeps on happening.

Children are so precious and still so fragile. They’re still freely sculpted by their environment. This book talks about cause and effect. Will a child molested become a pedophile and do the exact same thing? Is it all a process that keeps repeating itself? I believe that everyone has a capability to break out of their molds and eventually children grow up and do exactly that. The process isn’t easy, but it does come naturally.

The past greatly affects us in every way. Be it our actions, our words; whoever we become is all because of what happened. Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich is the epitome of strength, bravery and love. The levels of empathy people can be capable of is simply amazing. The final chapters was simply beautiful. Love wins after all, it’s why it hurts.

I’ll admit I was more interested in the memoir part than the murder case, although you just feel how it’s related. I honestly did not expect the flood of emotions. I went into this blind. I didn’t read the synopsis or any other reviews. Something just called to me when I saw this book. The voice was so loud, it resonated in every word and filled me completely. I had to stop every now and then to catch my breath. I’m at awe at how Alexandria made something so repulsive and horrible into something so beautiful.

The Fact of a Body perfectly depicts the beauty of our flaws. Five stars, and that’s not me being biased. I have never been held by someone’s words so much that I won’t ever get out of it. Alexandria’s words will stay and linger. If she can confront her demons head on, so can we all.

6/12/17

I’ve pulled out the monster beneath my bed,
Sit beside me, I said.
I look at him in the eye
I let him untangle the knots I carefully tied
My heart beats frantically with every tug of my strings
My fear is rising
I look away, I fight the urge to run
All my life, that’s all I’ve done
Now is not the time, not when his breath is in my ear
And his voice is all I hear,
Not when his eyes melt me into pools at his feet
I fight the urge to cry and to be weak
My hands tremble anyway
Was it a mistake?
Should I run now? Should I shout for help?