6/22/17

I no longer see a wall, but a horizon so vast and elaborate that I don’t know which to look at first. Speculations are made as to which direction I should walk; the destination at the end of the road. However now is when I close my eyes, spin full circles and go where my feet take me first. 

I’m afraid to stumble on my own two feet and fall face first. I’m afraid to come home with scratches and scars that will be deemed a failure by most. Though I’ll likely be given wrong directions by bystanders who I thought knew where they were going, but was as clueless as I am. Although I’m not lost, that’s my difference to them. I was lost behind the walls, but not anymore. I’m surrounded with beings of time, who like me are full of beginning and end.

I have just won a brawl behind the dark alleyways. Though I stagger, I still walk away. I don’t look back, afraid that my conscience will call me. My wounds will soon heal, but I will always carry the fear. 

I must walk on and journey to my purpose, the reason I gave myself to spark matches and light the fire. The same fire that burns inside my chest while I soldier on. 

This journey is one I must take alone. However I cross paths with travelers on their own journey and I must be careful never to ask to come along with them. Though if anyone asks to come along mine, must I heed their request?

I’m no longer tired, but eager to arrive where the wind takes me —to where I want to be; where my roots will run deep and my stem stand tall, surrounded by time beings who have heard the same call. 

This is where I will begin my beginning and end.

The Fact of a Body: Book Review

 

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The Fact of a Body by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich

My Rating: 5 stars

Things break us, but they make us too.

The Fact of a Body had me completely undone. I related to this book more than I’ll ever dare admit. It is just so beautiful that you can feel the flurry of emotions just enveloping you wherever you are, whether you’ve gone through such a horrible thing or not. I think this book is for everyone. It gives light to what happened, what happens, and what keeps on happening.

Children are so precious and still so fragile. They’re still freely sculpted by their environment. This book talks about cause and effect. Will a child molested become a pedophile and do the exact same thing? Is it all a process that keeps repeating itself? I believe that everyone has a capability to break out of their molds and eventually children grow up and do exactly that. The process isn’t easy, but it does come naturally.

The past greatly affects us in every way. Be it our actions, our words; whoever we become is all because of what happened. Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich is the epitome of strength, bravery and love. The levels of empathy people can be capable of is simply amazing. The final chapters was simply beautiful. Love wins after all, it’s why it hurts.

I’ll admit I was more interested in the memoir part than the murder case, although you just feel how it’s related. I honestly did not expect the flood of emotions. I went into this blind. I didn’t read the synopsis or any other reviews. Something just called to me when I saw this book. The voice was so loud, it resonated in every word and filled me completely. I had to stop every now and then to catch my breath. I’m at awe at how Alexandria made something so repulsive and horrible into something so beautiful.

The Fact of a Body perfectly depicts the beauty of our flaws. Five stars, and that’s not me being biased. I have never been held by someone’s words so much that I won’t ever get out of it. Alexandria’s words will stay and linger. If she can confront her demons head on, so can we all.

6/12/17

I’ve pulled out the monster beneath my bed,
Sit beside me, I said.
I look at him in the eye
I let him untangle the knots I carefully tied
My heart beats frantically with every tug of my strings
My fear is rising
I look away, I fight the urge to run
All my life, that’s all I’ve done
Now is not the time, not when his breath is in my ear
And his voice is all I hear,
Not when his eyes melt me into pools at his feet
I fight the urge to cry and to be weak
My hands tremble anyway
Was it a mistake?
Should I run now? Should I shout for help?

Motherhood

I don’t want to be the mother,
Of an unwanted daughter;
I never want to hurt her,
Or blame her for why I suffer.

I don’t want to sacrifice,
And ask her for the same price,
I don’t want to be remembered,
As the mother who dismembered,
her own child.

I don’t want to make her cry,
Not even a little sigh;
I don’t want her to be alone,
Like garbage, thrown.

I want her to find love,
Because I found none;
I want her to remember me,
Because I love her dearly.

If I can’t do all this and more
Then please God help me,
stop it all before,
I become the mother,
of an unwanted daughter.

Travelling to The End

orphantraincover-001Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

My Rating: 5 stars

When pain becomes unbearable, we sometimes think that the answer is to stop feeling any attachment towards anyone else that could potentially hurt us. This book reminds us that it is simply how life gives us lessons. We live, we come across people that come and go, we hurt with goodbyes, we experience and then we learn.

I didn’t know what to expect from this book, but I ended up gaining so much. Looking around me now, I see what I’ve taken for granted. I see now that somehow, even amidst adversities, it could be so much more worse. There is always a good side, even when you can’t find one anymore, because there always comes a point where we choose not to believe and hope because we know it will hurt and cause more difficulties, and yet life forces us to keep going on and somehow we thrive even with nothing.

Both Vivian and Molly felt like outcasts; they’ve both developed ways to cope and survive. For a long time, the past has stayed up in the attics of our homes, but it’s never too late to go up there and relive the past; feel the fresh cuts of memories and be surrounded by ghosts of people who have touched our lives. This is what this book is about: the games of fate and destiny.

I believe that children who have seen and felt the cruelty of the world and the people, are forever changed to somewhere being more than mature, but experienced. These children now know better than to imagine fantasies and interlace them into reality; they expect the worst and brace themselves. There is no longer foolish expectations that things will come easy, instead they go about expecting and facing obstacles in their paths.

We never know what comes next; Life is full of the unknown. But expect that it will be difficult, it will be an adventure, and it will be painful. There is always a journey to an end that is inevitable. It now all depends on how we travel.

Getting in Touch With Our Innerselves

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Anything is Possible by Elizabeth Strout

My rating: 5 stars

Growing up, I imagined myself being older and the freedom that came with age. I thought adults were free. I was so terribly wrong. In fact they’re so imprisoned by all their regrets, the layers and layers of deceit and expectations that define and restrict who they want to be.

It’s indeed difficult to find real people these days. Everywhere you look, every one looks a like —the resemblance is extremely striking; clothes, mannerisms, speech, everything is copied. There’s no originality.

It’s like we forgot what we were all once like. We omitted the embarrassing parts, the dirty pasts and called them shameful. We reinvented ourselves; escaped the past and turned our backs forever. Nothing is again the same. We’re simply a whole person after we’ve fought, won, lost our triumphs.

This book really draws out the real me. I connected with every character, even when my current life situations are far from theirs. Most of all, I remembered —no, I understood that things won’t always be the same. Common knowledge, I know. But there comes a point where we forget that things can change; that anything is possible. For a time we feel trapped and hopeless. We get consumed by our past and our presents; our fears let us forget and miss possibilities and chances, all because we fear so much in this world: failure, disappointment, pain, suffering. But this book reminds us that we’ve got a power to change our fates.

Lucy got out but she has never forgotten. And in this way has she really gotten freedom? The book points out that adversity isn’t an excuse to turn out bad. In fact the book portrays sufferings as inspiration. All form of self-doubt, self-hate, is all a chance to become a better version of ourselves. This book is life itself —what it means to be part of this world; Perspective. I think this book gave so much perspective, both literally and figuratively. I lost count of how many people told their story and how they saw it, how they got affected by it, and yet everything was so seamlessly connected. There was no point in the entire book where I questioned or doubted that this is real life, because this is what happens.

I’m likely never getting over this book, nor will I ever forget it. Because after turning the last page, I find myself just staring in space and thinking about all of it. Not just about me, but in general. Most books would make me think and question my life, this one made me understand life.  I’m sitting here thinking about how everything happens so fast and yet so subtle; every change of season is barely noticeable. Unless snow starts to fall and then flowers begin to bloom, and only then do we realize. But even then, it can still so easily be missed.

I’m here thinking about how amazing life is, considering how painful, troublesome and dramatic it all is. Because it’s true, life is such a drama but this book will remind us that it could be worse. But it doesn’t make you feel guilty, the way we’d feel once we realize  other people are starving and don’t have a proper roof above their heads; it only makes you aware that life is what you make it —and this, we should take to heart and never forget.

I also realize I should likely try to summarize this book but seriously no form of summarization will ever prepare you for the journey this book will take you. And trust me, it will take you so far. The ending was wonderful. It made me realize that what we want from this world is so far from what we really need: Connection. Being alone is so sad, especially amidst adversities. Keeping all those things bottled up is so destructive. But at the same time you ask yourself if it’s reasonable to complain about? This book really made me feel less alone. It was like meeting an old friend who knew me from the day I was born, to the days I found hard to live, and to the days I found strength to keep going. There are times hope is nowhere to be found, and Lucy Barton really could’ve just ended up repeating the cycle but instead she got out and lived the life she wanted. She is an inspiration, a symbol of hope, and the proof that things will be okay even when you think things are at its worst, it actually isn’t and things will get better.

There is so much this book has to offer, just like life has so much to offer aside from all the flowing of tears and pricking of hearts. Life can be so much more. Elizabeth Strout knows and understands life and everything that comes attached to it and she’s here sharing it with us. I’m so lucky to have received an Advanced Reader’s Copy for this book. Thank you, Random House. I am so honored and proud to know of an author who walks outside the grid and still survives.

Junction

Whenever my name escapes your lips, you make it sound so sweet
Like I’m the only one out there when there are millions with the same name everywhere
Your fingers brush my skin, you make it feel like I was struck by lightning
Electric currents rush through my veins, when all you did was brush hair off my face
And when I look at you my heart forgets to beat, you make it so hard to breathe
You voice is the sweetest melody in my ear as you shush my every fear
Every scar is forgotten and I am reborn again in heaven.

You make me smile in my sleep, even when you’re miles away from me
Every day, every moment, is a journey across the world to you
Every day, every moment, is a promise to you
That one day I can sleep right beside you
That one day I can make you happy the same way you do
Until that one day, we’ve both made it through.

For now, I watch as our love grows and blossoms; multiplies and doubles
I watch the world rotate on its axis, while our love remains timeless
I watch rain fall above our heads, and smile because we know it ends
I watch you from a distance and yet my heart lays right in your hands
In the meantime I’ll live without a heart while we are apart
But never for once think my love will ever be lost.

I might forget every now and then, about all the promises I made inside my head
Some days are hard with you gone, and there’s nothing to hang-on
I still believe in you and me, and that one day it all will be
We’ve gone so far, following the stars
One day we’ll walk the same path, as if we were never apart.