6/22/17

I no longer see a wall, but a horizon so vast and elaborate that I don’t know which to look at first. Speculations are made as to which direction I should walk; the destination at the end of the road. However now is when I close my eyes, spin full circles and go where my feet take me first. 

I’m afraid to stumble on my own two feet and fall face first. I’m afraid to come home with scratches and scars that will be deemed a failure by most. Though I’ll likely be given wrong directions by bystanders who I thought knew where they were going, but was as clueless as I am. Although I’m not lost, that’s my difference to them. I was lost behind the walls, but not anymore. I’m surrounded with beings of time, who like me are full of beginning and end.

I have just won a brawl behind the dark alleyways. Though I stagger, I still walk away. I don’t look back, afraid that my conscience will call me. My wounds will soon heal, but I will always carry the fear. 

I must walk on and journey to my purpose, the reason I gave myself to spark matches and light the fire. The same fire that burns inside my chest while I soldier on. 

This journey is one I must take alone. However I cross paths with travelers on their own journey and I must be careful never to ask to come along with them. Though if anyone asks to come along mine, must I heed their request?

I’m no longer tired, but eager to arrive where the wind takes me —to where I want to be; where my roots will run deep and my stem stand tall, surrounded by time beings who have heard the same call. 

This is where I will begin my beginning and end.

Motherhood

I don’t want to be the mother,
Of an unwanted daughter;
I never want to hurt her,
Or blame her for why I suffer.

I don’t want to sacrifice,
And ask her for the same price,
I don’t want to be remembered,
As the mother who dismembered,
her own child.

I don’t want to make her cry,
Not even a little sigh;
I don’t want her to be alone,
Like garbage, thrown.

I want her to find love,
Because I found none;
I want her to remember me,
Because I love her dearly.

If I can’t do all this and more
Then please God help me,
stop it all before,
I become the mother,
of an unwanted daughter.

Junction

Whenever my name escapes your lips, you make it sound so sweet
Like I’m the only one out there when there are millions with the same name everywhere
Your fingers brush my skin, you make it feel like I was struck by lightning
Electric currents rush through my veins, when all you did was brush hair off my face
And when I look at you my heart forgets to beat, you make it so hard to breathe
You voice is the sweetest melody in my ear as you shush my every fear
Every scar is forgotten and I am reborn again in heaven.

You make me smile in my sleep, even when you’re miles away from me
Every day, every moment, is a journey across the world to you
Every day, every moment, is a promise to you
That one day I can sleep right beside you
That one day I can make you happy the same way you do
Until that one day, we’ve both made it through.

For now, I watch as our love grows and blossoms; multiplies and doubles
I watch the world rotate on its axis, while our love remains timeless
I watch rain fall above our heads, and smile because we know it ends
I watch you from a distance and yet my heart lays right in your hands
In the meantime I’ll live without a heart while we are apart
But never for once think my love will ever be lost.

I might forget every now and then, about all the promises I made inside my head
Some days are hard with you gone, and there’s nothing to hang-on
I still believe in you and me, and that one day it all will be
We’ve gone so far, following the stars
One day we’ll walk the same path, as if we were never apart.

Love Me Please

​See What I Have Done by Sarah Schmidt

My Rating: 3 stars


“I stepped towards him, hoping that being closer to him would release me, make me happy again, I want my daddy to love me.”


There are a lot we need in this life, but only one thing is most essential that we are lost without it. Love. As children, we seek our parents’ love, as adults we seek our love’s love and as parents ourselves, we seek our children’s love. 

See What I Have Done has perfectly portrayed what happens without love. To live trapped behind walls of torment, years of wrong, unsaid words, and dreams unlived. I’ve read about the Lizzie Borden Murder Case and have been more confused by what really happened, who really did it. In reality, Lizzie Borden remained the prime suspect however due to circumstances, was aquited. However Sarah Schmidt may have brought a whole new perspective here and honestly the last line on the acknowledgements gave me a chill. What does that mean, exactly??

Although it makes sense that perhaps a third person was involved however was not able to get the job done, I can’t make sense of it all. I don’t get what showing a piece of Abby’s skull and the axe head do anything to confirm Emma’s doubts? Would she really just believe a total stranger? She didn’t even confirm with her Uncle. But Emma always knew and suspected Lizzie, but her childhood promises kept her bound as it always had. She promised their mother she wouldn’t leave Lizzie alone and that she would take care and love her as long as she lived —something she had done until the very end. 

The murder of the pigeons likely was what made Lizzie snap. It actually happened in the actual case and I found it very morbid. Honestly the entire book is very morbid. But it’s really not new to have children murder their parents in cold blood. You see, abuse whatever the form, causes so much twisted thoughts and dark emotions from people especially at such a young age where we are not certain what we should do about all the darkness that lurks. It’s no brainer that a no good home as Bridget so delicately put, brings about no good at all. Our surroundings help shape us.

I felt for Emma and her yearning to be free and Lizzie and her yearning to please. I enjoyed the multiple points of view —all carefully unraveling the dark thoughts behind a person’s face. Sarah Schmidt made my heart race in anticipation. A part of me wished Lizzie hadn’t done it and that she thought of another way. But perhaps at that time, there was nothing else she could think of but putting an end to all her sufferings. The book made it clear that she’s become mental and weird in her ways, who wouldn’t? Perhaps everything else broke and was lost. She lost it.

Thank you Grove Atlantic for granting me an ARC of this book via NetGalley. Three stars for keeping me at the edge of my seat, for the eloquent writing that made me feel, fear, and vividly watch as love proves to determine and break a person’s being.