Killing Me Softly

He was afraid to hurt me, he says
How funny it was when I’ve already bled
When all the blood and tears have dried
And there’s nothing left except a sigh
He couldn’t look me in the eye
He was red from shame and blue from all his lies
His hazel eyes turned to glass
That shattered what I once was
He killed me with what he called love
While he stood over me and watched
How I slowly bloomed one last time
With last hopes that he could be mine.

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9/26/17

Am I stupid to hold onto you,
When you pushed me out the door,
When the room was suddenly filled,
And it was too noisy to hear,
The words I love you.

Am I crazy to think that you’re still mine,
Even when you’re walking down the aisle,
With someone who isn’t me,
And never will be.

Am I a fool to say I love you,
In more ways than one,
Even when you can’t love me,
In just one?

Where is the love,
You whispered to me every night,
When you held me close,
And promised not to let go.

Where are you now,
While I cry alone,
And feel stupid for loving you still,
When it’s clear,
You don’t love me anymore.

I’m so stupid to stand here,
Waiting for you to come home,
To where we were both happy,
And the world was ours alone.

09/11/17

The cold metal of the gun barrel
Pressed hard against my head,

The pair of eyes that held mine
Were as cold as dead,

I didn’t need to be told
What to do then,

I stood as still
As my body can,

My heart beat was frantic
Until it slowed to a halt,

No one dared to talk
For what exactly must be said?

If I close my eyes
Would it all disappear,

Or would it all
Still be here?

The only sensation
Is the cold metal on my temple,

A temple with no gods
To offer a humble prayer,

If the shooter
Dare pull the trigger,

Would I dare
Make a sound?

Or befall
Quietly on the ground?

No one seems able
To see,

The gunman behind
Me,

While he told me
Keep walking,

To the end
Of the street,

Into the dark
Alley,

Where I may die
Quietly.

Overgrown

Flowers stop blooming,
Once it has bloomed,
The rain stops pouring,
After it has poured.

You grew a garden in my heart,
You made it rain love,
You saved me from harm,
Until the thunder finally struck.

Lightning made me numb,
Raindrops made me frigid,
I can’t hear my heart’s thrum,
And the garden is now flooded.

You were my saving grace,
Then I lost my faith,
Hope buried me to my grave,
When love was too faint.

Leave me in this chaos,
Where the ground is barren,
Overgrown with vines and moss,
Where your love is poison.

6/22/17

I no longer see a wall, but a horizon so vast and elaborate that I don’t know which to look at first. Speculations are made as to which direction I should walk; the destination at the end of the road. However now is when I close my eyes, spin full circles and go where my feet take me first. 

I’m afraid to stumble on my own two feet and fall face first. I’m afraid to come home with scratches and scars that will be deemed a failure by most. Though I’ll likely be given wrong directions by bystanders who I thought knew where they were going, but was as clueless as I am. Although I’m not lost, that’s my difference to them. I was lost behind the walls, but not anymore. I’m surrounded with beings of time, who like me are full of beginning and end.

I have just won a brawl behind the dark alleyways. Though I stagger, I still walk away. I don’t look back, afraid that my conscience will call me. My wounds will soon heal, but I will always carry the fear. 

I must walk on and journey to my purpose, the reason I gave myself to spark matches and light the fire. The same fire that burns inside my chest while I soldier on. 

This journey is one I must take alone. However I cross paths with travelers on their own journey and I must be careful never to ask to come along with them. Though if anyone asks to come along mine, must I heed their request?

I’m no longer tired, but eager to arrive where the wind takes me —to where I want to be; where my roots will run deep and my stem stand tall, surrounded by time beings who have heard the same call. 

This is where I will begin my beginning and end.

6/12/17

I’ve pulled out the monster beneath my bed,
Sit beside me, I said.
I look at him in the eye
I let him untangle the knots I carefully tied
My heart beats frantically with every tug of my strings
My fear is rising
I look away, I fight the urge to run
All my life, that’s all I’ve done
Now is not the time, not when his breath is in my ear
And his voice is all I hear,
Not when his eyes melt me into pools at his feet
I fight the urge to cry and to be weak
My hands tremble anyway
Was it a mistake?
Should I run now? Should I shout for help?

Motherhood

I don’t want to be the mother,
Of an unwanted daughter;
I never want to hurt her,
Or blame her for why I suffer.

I don’t want to sacrifice,
And ask her for the same price,
I don’t want to be remembered,
As the mother who dismembered,
her own child.

I don’t want to make her cry,
Not even a little sigh;
I don’t want her to be alone,
Like garbage, thrown.

I want her to find love,
Because I found none;
I want her to remember me,
Because I love her dearly.

If I can’t do all this and more
Then please God help me,
stop it all before,
I become the mother,
of an unwanted daughter.