The Only Girl in the Wold


I came across many books that talk about pain and grief, and I enjoy reading books like these because it exposes me to my own pain. Masochistically, it’s my way of coping. However, I have never connected with a book the way I’ve connected with Maude Julien’s The Only Girl in The World.

She tells her story how she remembers it. I find it fascinating how she can relive such nightmares and write them all down so boldly. I on the other hand, hide behind poetry that subtly relay my emotions and even denying myself a journal that would honestly portray my feelings and thoughts.

“I feel as if my whole life is just one and the same day,
An arid, endless, merciless day.
I’m chained to my schedule like an ox to a cart.
I pull with all my strength, but I don’t understand,
Or think, or ask any questions.
I hardly even breathe.”

The book is about Maude’s childhood in the hands of her father’s ideals and expectations. Much like every one of us has had to endure, she tries her best to become a good daughter. Following every instruction obediently even without the slightest appreciation. For years, she has lived in a world without love, hope and all the good things life has to offer. Yet she knows compassion, empathy, and hope like I’ve never seen in anyone before.

She was told how cruel the world is, how people are full of treachery. She herself experiences the cruelty of mankind even in isolation. For the first time, I grabbed a pen and wrote the truth:

“Dear Maude,
I am just like you.”

Maude is trained with ridiculous ways to overcome mankind’s weaknesses. Fear in particular. She is locked up in the cellar randomly at night with rats scurrying on her feet –cold and afraid, a mere child. She was taught Latin, German, arithmetic; she was forbidden to show any emotion on her face , a mere child.

“The earth is full of weak, cowardly people
driven to treachery by their weakness and cowardice.”

I went in reading this book blind. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t even read the plot, and for this reason I refuse to write a summary of the plot in this book review. You must read it without knowing what to expect. You must submerge yourself in cold water, the way she has done.

I am amazed at her tight grasp of hope, and in turn it gives me the same knowledge. It lets me know that even in the darkest places, you can still see. You can still find the exit and run towards the life you want.

“Life is stronger than anything else,
There is always a solution, and I will find it.
I’m sure of that.”



Lead, Don’t Follow

Walls of water hummed on both sides,
While fishes kept swimming the tides;
The pathway was long and narrow.
As I walked, everyone followed.

My steps were big, I didn’t think.
And when the water started to curl,
Back to what it once were,
-Screams were short lived.

The waves swallowed us whole,
Every last living soul;
We all died,
Because we couldn’t swim in tides.

I felt their hatred, though.
As I calmed afloat;
I felt their curse rise.
From the water’s tides.

I didn’t ask for them to walk,
Or listen to the words I spoke.
It was all their thoughts,
And not my own.

Killing Me Softly

He was afraid to hurt me, he says
How funny it was when I’ve already bled
When all the blood and tears have dried
And there’s nothing left except a sigh
He couldn’t look me in the eye
He was red from shame and blue from all his lies
His hazel eyes turned to glass
That shattered what I once was
He killed me with what he called love
While he stood over me and watched
How I slowly bloomed one last time
With last hopes that he could be mine.


Am I stupid to hold onto you,
When you pushed me out the door,
When the room was suddenly filled,
And it was too noisy to hear,
The words I love you.

Am I crazy to think that you’re still mine,
Even when you’re walking down the aisle,
With someone who isn’t me,
And never will be.

Am I a fool to say I love you,
In more ways than one,
Even when you can’t love me,
In just one?

Where is the love,
You whispered to me every night,
When you held me close,
And promised not to let go.

Where are you now,
While I cry alone,
And feel stupid for loving you still,
When it’s clear,
You don’t love me anymore.

I’m so stupid to stand here,
Waiting for you to come home,
To where we were both happy,
And the world was ours alone.


The cold metal of the gun barrel
Pressed hard against my head,

The pair of eyes that held mine
Were as cold as dead,

I didn’t need to be told
What to do then,

I stood as still
As my body can,

My heart beat was frantic
Until it slowed to a halt,

No one dared to talk
For what exactly must be said?

If I close my eyes
Would it all disappear,

Or would it all
Still be here?

The only sensation
Is the cold metal on my temple,

A temple with no gods
To offer a humble prayer,

If the shooter
Dare pull the trigger,

Would I dare
Make a sound?

Or befall
Quietly on the ground?

No one seems able
To see,

The gunman behind

While he told me
Keep walking,

To the end
Of the street,

Into the dark

Where I may die


Flowers stop blooming,
Once it has bloomed,
The rain stops pouring,
After it has poured.

You grew a garden in my heart,
You made it rain love,
You saved me from harm,
Until the thunder finally struck.

Lightning made me numb,
Raindrops made me frigid,
I can’t hear my heart’s thrum,
And the garden is now flooded.

You were my saving grace,
Then I lost my faith,
Hope buried me to my grave,
When love was too faint.

Leave me in this chaos,
Where the ground is barren,
Overgrown with vines and moss,
Where your love is poison.


I no longer see a wall, but a horizon so vast and elaborate that I don’t know which to look at first. Speculations are made as to which direction I should walk; the destination at the end of the road. However now is when I close my eyes, spin full circles and go where my feet take me first. 

I’m afraid to stumble on my own two feet and fall face first. I’m afraid to come home with scratches and scars that will be deemed a failure by most. Though I’ll likely be given wrong directions by bystanders who I thought knew where they were going, but was as clueless as I am. Although I’m not lost, that’s my difference to them. I was lost behind the walls, but not anymore. I’m surrounded with beings of time, who like me are full of beginning and end.

I have just won a brawl behind the dark alleyways. Though I stagger, I still walk away. I don’t look back, afraid that my conscience will call me. My wounds will soon heal, but I will always carry the fear. 

I must walk on and journey to my purpose, the reason I gave myself to spark matches and light the fire. The same fire that burns inside my chest while I soldier on. 

This journey is one I must take alone. However I cross paths with travelers on their own journey and I must be careful never to ask to come along with them. Though if anyone asks to come along mine, must I heed their request?

I’m no longer tired, but eager to arrive where the wind takes me —to where I want to be; where my roots will run deep and my stem stand tall, surrounded by time beings who have heard the same call. 

This is where I will begin my beginning and end.