I wanted to write yesterday, but my heart had other plans. Instead, I spent most of the day lost in space. Floating here and there, bouncing on the four walls of my room. I was desperate to get out of my trance. Reading almost always saves me. Books serve as floaters in the midst of a vast ocean. I close my eyes and get lost in a place other than where I am now.
My sadness is reflected in my writing, so I’ve been told. Honestly, I want nothing more but to write with hope weaved into my words. Instead I write about heartaches and the sadness that envelopes life. There is a poem I wrote, it’s called Pattern. In this poem, I wrote about an observation I’ve had ever since I was a child. Whenever I was truly happy, what would follow next was a deep sadness or lost. Since I was young, this has not changed for me. Which is why I tend to avoid being too happy and why I was cautious whenever I forgot to restrain myself.
I was deeply sad after writing this poem. I told my friend this. For a long time he didn’t reply. I was growing anxious for his reply –fearing that he would critique my poem as he was a writer as well. But 17 minutes later, he sent me this:
Reading the first line made my vision blur, and the second line brought me completely into tears.
Over and over,
Up and up more,
Summer’s sweet lover,
Breaks somber’s core.
Wilting will wither,
Live and let die,
Winter’s sweet sister,
Let’s waning inside.
Jumping and falling,
Walking and crawling—
The patter is life,
Cycled and sprawling.
Shared and ravenous,
Happy never consoles,
It’s a feeling inspiring,
Not taking its toll.
He not only changed my poem into a more optimistic poem full of hope, he also made me want to believe him. Or perhaps I really did. I was completely speechless. I just reread the poem over and over again, until I stopped crying.
Life is a pattern of ups and downs. While I’m up, I anticipate the down. I tried in vain to walk an even path, where I’m not too happy nor am I too sad. I found this rather easy, for there was really no reason to be completely happy. Although, there was always a reason to be content.
I used to be an optimistic girl. I found the bright side in every dark room. I looked forward to a future full of possibilities. But one day, I found myself enjoying the darkness. Walking in the dark, made my eyes adjust. I followed the trail everyone else has gone.
I want to hope again. I want to think of tomorrow and how I can change it. I want to be carefree and enjoy the ups of life and never mind the downs because I’m enjoying the ups so much. I want to ignore the pattern one day. I don’t want to be afraid of being sad and alone. I want to learn to love being in my own company. I want to meet myself and fall in love.