I’ve never made a choice in my life.
A choice where I chose to choose myself. I’ve never thought of myself as important. To me, others went first. I never shared, I gave. I even gave myself. I’ve always lived with strings attached to my limbs. I’ve always recited scripts. I’ve always been someone I’m not. But behind all the glamour and glitz, there is a girl who knows nothing about herself. Who is she without people pulling her strings? Who is she without people turning her key? Who is she without you?
I’ve never hated. Nor have I loved. I’ve never been too attached to anyone. I always pushed them away. I never expected anyone to stay. I never allowed myself to want people to do things for me. I never allowed people to see me weak or that I needed help. I didn’t want to be a bother. But see, I’ve changed. Little by little, I’ve changed. It wasn’t too late. I’ve learned to talk when I want. Smile and laugh when I want. I’ve learned to cut a few strings from my limbs. Just a few, not all. Or else I’d stumble and fall. I’ve set my own goals. My own dreams. And I’ve learned to let people in. I’m happier now.
At times, I feel melancholy washing in. But it passes as soon as it comes. At times, I feel tired and want to give it all up. But I have my inspirations, I have my dreams. I have my goals, my aspirations and I am determined to reach them all. I’m still learning to be selfish. No matter how twisted that sounds. I’m still learning to love myself. I’m getting there. Just a step at a time. No rush. I’ll get there eventually.
There will be a day when I can stand on my own. A day I can call all the shots and suffer the consequences after. A day I can choose myself over others. A day I can be me.