When can you say you’re alone?
There’s always different forms of being alone. Not just seclusion and isolation. Believe me, I know. You could be surrounded by a million people, but still feel alone. I’m surrounded by people who love me, I was never really alone. But there is this longing –for something missing. I always wondered what it was, because from what I see, I have everything.
But I think, it’s also normal for people to keep wanting. It’s simply how we were programmed. To keep searching. To keep wanting. So we’d keep looking. So we’d have a purpose.
We never get satisfied, do we?
That’s a good thing. Always looking for the better instead of settling for just good. But it becomes bad when we get greedy. When wanting becomes too much of a priority, we forget to stop and look at how far we’ve gone. You keep climbing up higher and higher, you forget to enjoy the view. You fear looking down, because you fear falling and starting all over again. And so you climb higher up, desperate to get to the top.
You should keep on climbing. But you should do so, leisurely. Enjoy your every step. Your every achievement. Look down, see how far you’ve gone and be proud of yourself for reaching far beyond what you could have reached before. Don’t be desperate. Try your best, yes. But remember to enjoy the climb.
Enjoy the view. Look around you.
Determination is always needed to reach your goals. It’s 1 AM in the morning, why do you think I’m still up? Because I’m determined to write. Eager to share. I have a purpose, and I’m determined to fulfill it. But we’re straying from the topic of being alone. We’ll talk about determination later.
“No man is an island,” as the saying goes. True. Man will always seek companionship, man will always seek friends, family, loved ones, etc. Material things and non-material things. For what? To make us feel satisfied or to at least give us a sense of being filled. But being independent is different from being alone. Independence is a choice. Well, so is everything in this world –Everything is a choice.
But being alone –what does it mean, exactly?
It can sometimes mean isolation. But it can also be a mere feeling. Isolation is a choice. Feeling alone, well maybe it’s a choice too. But also a circumstance. Why are you feeling alone when you’re surrounded by people? People who love and care for you.
It’s because there’s something missing. You’re looking for something. What is it? And why? So many questions. So little answers. But as soon as you figure out the “why” in all this, the sooner you see what you’re up against. And then you fight. Fight for what you’re looking for. Fight for what you want. Fight for yourself.
People will judge you. That’s why you’re afraid of people. People will betray you. People will use you. That’s why you stay away. People are scary. They can smile at your face, and stab you from behind.
You’re so afraid of trusting, of hoping. Because you’ve done it before and everything came crashing down –shattering you to a million pieces. You’ve been scarred, so you closed the door and even locked it. You’ll never let anyone in again. Afraid to experience it all over again, afraid to relive the nightmare.
They can lie, people lie. All the time, actually. You can never tell. But why? Well, sometimes they lie to protect something or someone. But most of the time, they lie to protect themselves. That’s why you don’t trust, you don’t believe. You know that there’s a possibility that it’s a lie.
People will always think about their selves. Well, some might put others first, let’s give people the benefit of the doubt. Let’s be open-minded here. Optimistic. But come on, we’re not all heroes, we’re not all saints. Let’s face it. People are imperfect, scary beings. Their minds are so complex and hard to comprehend. They’re unpredictable.
People are critics. They will look for flaws. Faults. And use it to their advantage. Again, why? To make their selves feel better, I suppose. To boost their egos. To be more confident, to feel superior.
There are so many reasons we avoid people. So many reasons we prefer being alone. But there are also reasons to be among them. Not just to belong. But maybe to be a part of it all. Probably the same thing. But, the idea is— you shouldn’t be someone you’re not in order to belong. You’re a part of this world. A small fragment, yes. But every fragment counts. Every little thing counts. And that’s what makes everything stronger. Without a tiny screw, a strong foundation would falter, yes? So consider yourself important.
The point is, be yourself. Sounds banal. But true, nonetheless. Other people might not accept you. But someone will, eventually. Someone will come to see things, little things about you that maybe even you aren’t aware of. And that someone will love you for being stupid, for being annoying. Being irritating, being mean— for being you. That someone will come to accept all that.
Someone will accept you as an entirety, not just fragments of you but the whole picture. Someone will stop looking too close, judging from too far and actually see you as the beautiful painting you are. Notice little details that are often overlooked.
Someone won’t get tired of looking at you, admiring you and then you’ll finally be a part of it all. You’ll no longer be alone or feel alone, because you’re finally complete. You finally found your missing piece. You finally found someone who saw through you. Through your walls, through your facade –through everything.
Sounds cheesy, but this isn’t only about romance. It can also be about friendship or family. Anything or anyone, really. As long as you feel satisfied and happy. As long as you feel complete. As long as you stop feeling alone. Because you’re not. That someone is out there. You don’t necessarily have to go looking for that someone. This isn’t some sort of cheesy love story where Prince Charming comes riding in his white horse and takes you away. This is about finding yourself, loving yourself enough to let someone else love you back.
I wrote this two years ago. It’s one of my first pieces. This is exactly what I mean by random thoughts going through my head. I was actually talking to myself here. That night, if I remember correctly, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. The thought I remember clearly that night was: “No One Loves Me.” But then, by writing this I came to realize that I was the one who didn’t love myself. I didn’t believe in love itself. I didn’t believe the crap I said here. Finding someone who will truly love me for me? Who in the world would love me, I thought.
At the end of the day, we only have ourselves. And being alone wouldn’t have been so bad if only I realized sooner that it wouldn’t matter whether I was alone or not. If only I loved myself enough to tolerate myself.